I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
