no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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