I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize