I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
