I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize
