can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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