I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
this is an emotional support booty call
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
