3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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