Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize