i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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