I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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