What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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