My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
