you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
