You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
