its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
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