he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
