I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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