Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
it hurts more in the daytime
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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