My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
