I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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