Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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