yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Randomize