Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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