Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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