Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
