i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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