i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
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