I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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