im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
