weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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