i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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