I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
