Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
