a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
50% drunk capacity currently
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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