If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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