Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
