i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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