dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
