can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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