Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
