alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
