Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
