Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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