Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
