everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Randomize
