Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
