so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
