So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
