guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Randomize