You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
