I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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