totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Randomize
