I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Randomize
