wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
