she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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