The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
