My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Text me some of your sweat
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
