This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
