sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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