am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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