i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i will never coherently bang her
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
