got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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